WHAT DOES MY MAD HEART REALLY WANT?

by Allwin Bright

I tutor a neighboring kid, ten-year old and a fourth class student. He comes to the tuition every morning  as early as 6:00 a.m. Its been a month since I’ve started tutoring him.  I’ve learned a lot about him in this one month. He finds it hard to sit still and pay attention, he is always moving, often lost in day dreams, struggles with numbers  and yet says that Mathematics is  his favorite subject. Having said all this I must also say that he is a keen learner. He loves coming to the tuition. He wants me to teach Math and English at school. 🙂

I too had a short attention span as a kid. As matter of matter of fact it is still the same. I struggled with numbers and you guessed it right Mathematics was/is my favorite subject. Often it feels like I am seeing my 10-year-old self through him. Sometimes this thought scares me. What if he ends up being like me in future too?

FLASHBACK

I had dreams of becoming an airplane pilot as kid. (Tales Spin was my favorite cartoon series)  Everyone has one such big dream as a kid. Slowly as I got older I realized that becoming a pilot was never my thing. With time my ambitions changed. I wanted to be everything that amused me. From a Traffic police to the ATM security guard, from a Radio Jockey to a Journalist, from a Cricketer to a Musician from Director of a movie to a Writer and so on.

But, until I finished school I never took any of these ambitions seriously. To me school was just about studies, practical exams, assignments, projects, exams and ultimately marks, nothing more than that. Its was my college which transformed me into a completely different person. But, the problem was even in college I did not know what I wanted to be in life. I followed the herd. I attended a campus interview and fortunately or unfortunately I got selected. It came as big sigh of relief at that point of time. I thought this was it. A good job in a reputed company with a good salary. A young lad who had just passed out of college couldn’t have asked for anything more. But, it was not to be.

Of course I enjoyed working in a corporate but, I struggled too. I quit when I found that it was too much for me to handle. More than  anything else it was the feeling that I did not belong there forced me to take such a decision. I did an MBA without having the faintest of idea what it was all about? Yet another campus interview, yet another round of interviews (Aptitude Test, Group discussion,  HR interview, Personal interview…. PHHHEW) I get through and I  get selected. I have a job now. Am I happy with that?

Cut back to the present-day

Have a glimpse of how my day goes by:

After tutoring I have a nap. Sleep comes easily to me. Its one of those things I am blessed with. Strangely enough I have good dreams during this nap.

In the middle of a dream I wake up hearing mom scolding and complaining. After waking up I take my own time to brush my teeth, have a shower and get dressed up for office. I have my breakfast as if I have all the time in this world. I always make it point not to skip my breakfasts no matter how late it gets. I leave to office bidding good-bye to Mom.

I reach office between 11:00 a.m. to 12:00 noon. However my office hours are from 10 to 7. But, no one really cares whether I come early or late. As a matter of fact I don’t think I’ll be questioned even if I come to office even after 12.

Now, What exactly do I do in office?

For most of the day I am lost in a day-dream

And when I am not day dreaming:

I read blogs or I try writing quite irrelevant posts such as this.

A lot of my friends envy me. “Koduthu vacha maharaasan da nee…” One of my colleague remarks in Tamil as he passes by my cubicle. (which roughly translates in English as: “You are an extremely lucky person”). Really Am I?

In a sense yes I am. I hardly have any work here. It gives me the freedom and ample amount of time to do what I love doing – reading and writing.

But there are a number of things that I hate about my job. I hate the monotony of my work. I hate being stagnant. I hate being insignificant. I hate to be coming to office everyday just for the sake of it.

I spend a hell a lot of time contemplating. What should I do?  May be I should quit this job and choose a profession I am really passionate about. But, the problem I still do not know what I want to be in life. I try listening to my heart. It sometimes says teaching, sometimes writing, sometimes music, sometimes photography, sometimes film making and so on. It’s not easy to listen to your heart. Is it?

May be I should just hang in there. My life is not all that bad. I have a job. I get a decent salary. I really enjoy reading and writing. My present is as stable as it should be. Its only the thought of the future that worries me.  May be I should just keep exploring myself and someday I’ll eventually find out what my mad heart really wants.